I just had a very peculiar experience… on my
way home from an afternoon walk, I passed my first dance teacher. Initially, I didn’t realize it was her. It
wasn’t until she jerked her head quickly in the other direction with a a familiar
grimace on her face, that it dawned on me
who she was...because I haven’t spoken to her in over two decades.
This woman was abusive and
such a supremely evil sociopath that over the years, whenever I thought
of her (and trust me, I did that as little as possible) it absolutely shocked
me that I ever even entertained the thought of continuing
to dance!
I will never
mention her name, and have never given her credit as being my first
teacher, she was that bad. She was a decent dancer, but she was also pure poison
to everyone who had the misfortune of taking her classes. It’s not like I a
sensitive kid when I started taking from her either. I started belly dancing at the age of thirty as
an adult with a full life, as were many of her other students. At that point,
it didn’t occur to me that I would ever turn professional; I just wanted to
take a dance class. Twenty-five years later, I’m well into a dance career that has been my number one passion and raison d’etre. Bumping into my former teacher actually unsettled me- and
believe me, that’s not an easy thing to do! Before I continue with this anecdote, I must
tell you that this story has a happy ending.
She Who Has No Name wasn’t
just a stern teacher, or one who had high standards and a no-nonsense
personality. She was, for lack of a
better description, bat-shit crazy. This
was in 1990, waaaay before the internet was commonplace and finding something
as obscure as a belly dance teacher, even in a large city like Los Angeles, wasn’t
easy, so I stuck it out. Even as a brand –newbie, belly dance was so important
to me, I figured it’d be worth it, but her abuse still affected me big time. She continually told me that I was clumsy,
lacked talent, was ugly and would never
be a dancer. If I asked her to break
down a step or combination, she’d roll her eyes as though I’d just demanded something
impossible. And for the record, I wasn’t the only one she did this too, either-
everyone was fair game! She was also insanely jealous. If any of her students
started doing well or a little too well for her taste- she viewed them as
competition, and did everything in her power to tear them down. She was also a raving bitch over smaller,
inconsequential things. If a student of hers happened to get a new hip scarf or
bought a secondhand costume, she’s sniff derisively and roll her eyes. When any
of her students tentatively started gigging, she’d badmouth us to our faces…and
to anyone else who’d listen!
On one of many evenings that
I cam home from her class upset, my boyfriend confronted me.
“ I thought you said belly dance was your
favorite thing that you’ve ever done,” he said compassionately,
“So let me ask you a question: why are you crying?”
It was then I knew I had to leave her, so I
did.
Finally, I met a decent teacher, a real teacher, someone who not only knew
her technique, but also was a talented performer…and a well-adjusted human
being. She also knew how to address students with different needs and learning
styles, was encouraging of her pupils’ growth and gave them performing
opportunities and professional advice.
Though it would be another five years before I
became an instructor myself, I immediately saw the difference in these two
women, and vowed that if I ever taught dance classes, I would be like my second instructor…the one I actually
acknowledge as my first teacher,
since She Who Has No Name was, at least chronologically, the “real” first teacher.
But she was so toxic that the
only thing she ever really taught me was HOW NOT TO BE.
Sadly, I’m not alone in this
experience. In the dance world, many of us have to deal with toxic teachers.
Toxic people are
that way because they unhappy- and the only thing that brings them joy is
making others feel the same way.
A toxic teacher
actually delights in ruining the self-esteem of her pupils because she sees
them as a threat. Sometimes this abusive
behavior is constant, other times there’s a Bi-Polar quality; your teacher will
be nurturing and nice one moment, then turn on you. They play favorites and pit
students against each other. Others are merely pessimistic, but their negative
feelings and “glass half full” outlook on life is contagious. They see themselves as victims of fate and
circumstance, feel entitled and complain constantly. They gossip and never have
anything nice to say- about anyone! They isolate their students and threaten
them if they want to take classes with others or desire to join in on other
activities in the dance community, like showcases or other performance or
volunteering activities.
Sadly, your toxic
teacher might also be very talented.
Just because she is crazy doesn’t mean she’s not a gifted artist; she
might be the best instructor in the area. And even worse, she may be the only teacher around- many of us live in
smaller towns or places where there is only one local teacher and no other
options!
If your teacher
is poison, here are some things you can do to stay sane.
First of all, don’t take anything your toxic instructor says to heart.
A healthy student/teacher relationship is built on equality- and it’s also a paying business relationship. You are paying for your knowledge; therefore you are actually your teacher’s employer! Remember that her main objective is to drag everyone down to her level. Shield yourself emotionally as much as you can. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can, and that your own dance practice is just as valid as anyone else’s. Don’t take anything personally.
A healthy student/teacher relationship is built on equality- and it’s also a paying business relationship. You are paying for your knowledge; therefore you are actually your teacher’s employer! Remember that her main objective is to drag everyone down to her level. Shield yourself emotionally as much as you can. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can, and that your own dance practice is just as valid as anyone else’s. Don’t take anything personally.
If you need to discuss your feelings or vent about
your teacher, do it with a non-dancer pal, significant other or a family
member. The last thing you want to do is have something you said get back to the
teacher herself. Toxic people often have
minions; spies that they employ to report back on the activities of other
students. Don’t play into her web of craziness by making any sort of comments
about her to anyone who might repeat them.
Obviously, if you have other options for classes in
your area, leave your current class. Do
this as quickly and painlessly as possible; just stop attending class. In case your teacher questions you about your
decision, don’t make a big deal of it. So as not to make waves, offer a brief
explanation that seems plausible, something
like your work schedule won’t allow you to continue at this time slot, or you
have family obligations. Thank your
teacher for the learning opportunity, and do not engage otherwise, just depart.
If you are going to take with another instructor, keep it on the down low. Any sane teacher welcomes her student
studying with others, but if your crazy instructor gets wind of your departure she’ll
do what she can to ruin your plans- an your reputation!
If your toxic teacher is the only instructor in your
area, again, do whatever you can to protect yourself emotionally. Remind yourself that you are here to learn,
not to be abused. Rise above, and keep to yourself. Do not engage in her drama,
and try not to let it affect you. Keep a healthy distance. Arrive at class,
take class and leave. All business, all the time, you’re there to learn,
period!
Take everything
your teacher says with a grain of salt, because her negative opinions- about
you, about other students, about the dance world in general- is just that, only
opinions, not fact. And it’s already
been established that they’re distorted, petty and mean-spirited.
If you live in a remote area, learning from DVDs will tide you over. This is usually supplemental,
but if your options for live instruction are limited, this is a good way to go-
at least at first. Also, a great option
for you would be taking online classes- there are many available now, and
you’ll be able to study with competent teachers who don’t live anywhere near
you. Many studios offer monthly
discounts for live, real time instruction
or downloadable online classes. Google
your favorite dancers and see if they offer these kind of classes. You can also
investigate taking a group or private Skype session every so often.
If you happen
to see your teacher at a local dance event, don’t get freaked out- this is
bound to happen. Be prepared for it. Make
sure the interaction is impersonal and amiable. Keep it brief. Compliment her on her
performance, or just say hello. There’s a good chance she may get nasty- that
is, after all, her M.O. Brush it off and
don’t engage. You’ve done nothing
wrong. The last thing you want to do is
get sucked in and involved with her again!
If you are starting to get gigs-or if you’ve already
been gigging, your instructor might try to ruin your chances by gossiping about
you. If your teacher starts spreading
rumors just ignore them! Don’t feel the
need to explain the situation anyone, keep
your mouth shut. Bullies delight in
their target’s reactions. Don’t
let anyone know this is affecting you. There’s a great chance she’s done
this to others… and an even better
chance that everyone else sees her for what she is, and realizes she’s full of
it! As the Internet meme goes, just Keep Calm And Carry On.
Hopefully,
these tips will help you to break the chain of Toxic Teacher abuse. And now for
the happy ending of my own story…
Seconds after
I running into my own toxic ex-instructor, I got a text from one of my
students. She had just placed in a huge belly dance contest! She was absolutely giddy. The text thanked me “for all your help and wonderful advice”. Though I’ve trained many professional dancers
and lots of champions over the years,
their success never fails to touch me; it makes me ridiculously gratified to
know that I’ve had a hand in the success of others. It never gets old- as a dance teacher, this is what it’s all
about, sharing knowledge, love and
passion for the dance with others.
With a little tear of happiness in my eye, I texted my
student back congratulating her, and typed in so many hearts and flowers and
smiley faces that I was definitely guilty of Emoji Abuse.
It was also the
best F**K YOU possible to She Who Has No
Name!
I delighted in knowing once and for all that I’d
broken her chain of abuse…and you can do it with your Toxic Teacher too!
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Nice to know that I am not the only one who had a toxic teacher. Tanks for the post, very useful. Love from Denmark
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your post...it reminded me of my 1st Instructor....it was a class thru Parks/ Rec of the City I lived at...I thought it would be fun..I still remember her taking me to the side and lecturing me that , " Bellydance was a Sisterhood" and I needed to realize that to participate in her classes. Needless to say I "escaped" from her instruction. she is still around today and I remember her eye rolling and snears!
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