DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT...BELLY DANCE STYLE

I adore my iPhone, even though I’m… ahem… of the age where I can recall all too clearly thinking that FAX machines were sheer magic. In fact,  when I got my phone, my teenage niece had to set my phone up for me, and I’m reasonably sure I’m only using it to a tiny fraction of it’s potential. There are many wonderful apps and tricks to be learned and used.

 We all know that spell check and autocorrect is of the best – and worst- features on smart phones.  There are the funny, odd word substitutions that autocorrect makes as a matter of course; for instance, a friend recently texted me asking if she could borrow my  “oink” veil… and I instinctively knew she meant my pink one!  And since I often use a lot of “colorful language” in my texts, my phone decides to substitute words like ducking instead of the he rhyming oath I’m attempting to type!

 But I think really there needs to be a special  Damn You Autocorrect site for belly dancers only.

  If my  own phone is any indication, many words that are “indigenous” to belly dancers – including common Arabic terms and casually used dancers slang- magically start appearing instead of the “every day” English words I’m trying to use.  

 I can’t be the only one with this problem, right?

 For instance, when I was texting to a neighbor about our parking situation, the word “garage” became Ghawazee.  She had absolutely no clue what I was writing about!

   If I  discuss grabbing a cab, “taxi” always  turns into taxim,  “have to” magically becomes hafla and when I attempt to write  “ I said”, the word Saidi appears.

When I tried typing “infinite” autocorrect decided I was really trying to say infidel;  “being” immediately becomes bling-bling and the word “because” routinely turns into beledi.  

  When texting about  a dish I was bringing to a  ( non belly dance) pot-luck party, “make some”  became maksoum;   the word  “easy”  it  always  becomes  Egypt ,  “purchase”  comes up as Persia and when I  give directions  to my house, “turn ”  morphs into Turkey.  The words "still" or "silly" become zills and  whenever I write the word "about", it turns into Abdou ... as in Fifi!

  Naturally, I’ve learned to live with these silly substitutions, but  they still make me- and most of the people I’m texting-laugh out loud.The one thing I cannot understand though, is that no matter how many times I write my stage name, for some reason, autocorrect never thinks it’s valid.

The general public might think  of me as Princess Farhana... but to my phone, I’ll always be Princess Farmhand!

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 Get an autographed copy of The Belly Dance Handbook  or my memoir Showgirl Confidential: My Life Onstage, Backstage And On The Road here:

http://www.princessfarhana.com/shop.htm

Photo and graphics by Maharet Hughes

SMALL FRY: DANCING FOR CHILDREN

 In the past month, I’ve gotten two of the best tips I’ve ever received in over two decades of belly dancing.  They  weren’t  crisp hundred dollar bills,  large bouquets of flowers or earrings made of 14 karat gold… though I’ve been lucky enough to get all of those and more. One of the tips was a grubby Sponge Bob  pencil eraser, tucked into my belt by a five year old boy. The other was a small piece of pita bread offered by a toddler, who was imitating  the  behavior of the adults around him.

Children are the best audiences ever- they’re my  favorite audience!

 Throughout my career, I’ve danced for thousands of kids.  I often joke that most of my biggest fans are the smallest people- kids under the age of  ten- but it’s true! When I tell people I love dancing for kids, sometimes they look at me oddly… for a couple of reasons.

First is that in addition to performing straight-ahead Egyptian-style belly dance, within the belly dance community, I have become known for  my fusion performances, and some of them have been considered very controversial.  But I never  perform anything other than  family-style show unless I know for sure that there will not be children present.

Second, outside of the  belly dance world, many well-educated people still  fall prey to the usual  stereotypes, marginalizing our art as either a seductive ritual or cheesy novelty.  Whether male or female, I can literally see their  “civilian” brains  going into over-drive, conjuring up  images straight out of a  Sinbad or James Bond movie.  They imagine me doing “The Dance Of The Seven Veils” in shadowy, smoke-filled hashish den while leering villains in ornate turbans throw solid gold coins, making plans to carry me away on their flying carpets to a life of slavery in an exotic harem…yeah, right!

I explain something that probably doesn’t need to be clarified here: in  Middle Eastern and North African cultures, the movements of belly dancing are performed by non-professionals as a an integral part of weddings, family gatherings and baby christenings, and women’s parties. When they hear I, like most belly dancers, usually do shows for families, including children, their jaws drop a few inches.

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Since I am still  the featured performer in  the same restaurant that gave me my very first job  almost twenty-five years ago, I not only dance for children on a regular basis, but I’ve have had the extraordinary privilege and pleasure of seeing a good portion of my audience grow up, go to college, get married and have their own kids! It’s impossible to estimate the amount of autographs I’ve signed on paper napkins, and for years my refrigerator has been plastered with primitive crayon portraits  and misspelled fan letters painstakingly written in block letters.

Children are the world’s most pure and unsullied audience, and that goes for every kind of performing art.  They don’t need any sort of suspension of disbelief to be moved by a belly dance show, they are happy enough with a swirling pastiche of dancing women, sparkly costumes, loud music and excitement. Children simply  don’t have the pre-conceived notions that adults do, they  just love being entertained. They know nothing of sexualized stereotypes or judgments that have to do with weight, age, racial  or cultural  prejudice.  They let out wild squeals of unbridled joy the moment a dancer appears.  Not only that, because of their candor, kids will often left you know exactly what they’re thinking.

Due to  “truth factor” in relations with kiddies, sometimes the biggest obstacle for me when I’m interacting with or performing for the small set is to stop myself from bursting into laughter because of their totally logical yet completely innocent observations!  As the Sixties-era television host Art Linkletter used to declare, “Kids say the darndest things”.  Thanks to Walt Disney, I’ve been called Princess Jasmine more times than I can count, but some of the exchanges I’ve had left me laughing for days.

I remember a seven-year-old girl who visited me in my dressing room after a show one night. While she played with my finger cymbals, she very regretfully told me that she could never be a belly dancer because she didn’t have “those round things or those black things”.

  I told her that those “round things” were called finger cymbals and explained that anyone, even she, could have them because they were a belly dance accoutrement that anyone could purchase.

“ But I still don’t have those black things,” she sighed forlornly, shaking her head.

“What black things do you mean?” I asked, utterly confused.

 Rolling her eyes as though I was the stupidest person on earth, she pointed directly to my false eyelashes. When I told her that they were fake, just a part of my stage make-up, and explained how they were applied, she leaned in very close to me, cocked her head

towards the dining room and whispered conspiratorially,

“Everybody out there thinks they’re real!”

 Standing costumed in a hallway just after a show, a little charmer of about five gave the once-over to my sword partner Samra and me and observed,

 “You guys look just like genies… but with legs!”

It took us a moment to realize that she meant legs…. as opposed to the smoke rising from a magic lamp!

 Another time, a little boy ( the nephew of another dancer I worked with frequently) burst into our dressing room to visit us before we went on. Unaccustomed to seeing his aunt in costume, he  stared at our Egyptian finery with his mouth hanging open in shock and exclaimed,

 “Hey, where’d you guys get the all the diamonds?”

 And speaking of being an aunt, I discovered that my baby niece Olivia  had definitely gotten the belly dance gene.

 When she was a toddler, her vocabulary only consisted of an only few words…or so we thought. One night she shocked our entire family with her first full sentence.  As I walked into the room, she cheerfully greeted from her high chair with:

“Hi Auntie-big earrings!”

 Visiting Disneyland when she was three, we almost got kicked off  “ It’s A Small World.” As our boat floated by the Middle Eastern countries, she jumped to her feet, scrambled on top of the bench, pointed at a veiled mannequin and screamed,

“It’s my Auntie!”

 As if on cure, the ride ground to a halt, the music cut out, and a booming voice came over the loudspeaker,

“THE CHILD MUST SIT DOWN!”

 Olivia’s obsession with the dance continued to grow as she did. We’re  talkin’ about a little girl who got elaborate hand made mini-costumes for every birthday…but somehow, it just wasn’t enough.   We were spending   a cool spring afternoon together, about to go to her favorite park.  As I went to another room to get our jackets, she pouted obstinately,

“I DON’T WANNA GO TO THE SWINGS!”

   I was about to placate her the way one normally would with a four year old, but   almost had a heart attack as I re-entered the room.  She stood in the middle of the living room, completely naked… except for one of my rhinestone tiaras sitting askew on her head. Her play clothes lay in a heap at her feet.  In each hand, she held an unsheathed sword- my full-sized, heavy, sharp scimitars. They were bigger than she was, and she swung them around dangerously.

“I just wanna stay here and play dress up with you!” she whimpered.

Feeling my face drain of color, I cajoled, 

“ Ok, sure honey! Whatever you want! Can you put the swords down for Auntie? “

Once, at a wedding, a little girl of about nine  asked if I was really and truly a princess.

 “Why of course I am,” I answered, not wanting to wreck the illusion.

Growing skeptical, hands on hips, she asked me to prove it.

I knew what would verify my claim. Unbelievably, the California DMV allowed me to pose for my driver’s license photo while wearing a large  rhinestone tiara. When I whipped this out of my wallet as “proof” of my royal lineage, she gasped sharply, her eyes widening as she meekly asked,

“ Do you live in a real castle? Can I visit you?”

 Backpedaling quickly, told her that when I was “visiting” California, I lived in a regular house, just like everybody else.

 Far and away one of my most cherished memories is of Timmy, a Canadian four- year- old whom I met while he was in LA with his family, visiting relatives. Timmy fell in love with me at first sight. He swooned as he watched me pass by in costume, and scrawled illegible love notes to me on placemats, which he sent to my dressing room via a very patient waiter.

When I came out to dance, his eyes bugged out of his head. He grabbed fistfuls of his own hair, held a hand over his mouth as if to stifle a scream, and bounced uncontrollably in his seat. He snatched dollars from his mom and ardently stuffed them into my belt, and when he ran out of his own money, he picked it up off the floor as well as personally soliciting it from diners at other tables, much to their amusement.

 Later in the evening, his apologetic mom asked if I would dance once more, as he’d been pestering her throughout the entire meal, asking if I would perform again.

 Of course, I obliged. When the music started, his excited squeals could be heard throughout the entire restaurant.  Making my entrance, I decided to make him feel special by draping my veil around his tiny shoulders. The moment I did this, he let out an earth-shattering shriek that could probably be heard down the block and then he yelled,

“MOMMY! THE LADY LET ME HOLD HER BLANKET!

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 Purchase a signed copy of “The Belly Dance Handbook”  by Princess Farhana   here:

http://www.princessfarhana.com/shop.htm

Photo & design by Maharet Hughes/ Graphic Vibe LA

DRIVING THE SAUDIS: A BOOK REVIEW

 Driving The Saudis is an incredible memoir by actress/producer Jayne Amelia Larson.

 The book, which was just released on October 16, 2012, first came to my attention via an email from the author herself- she wanted to hire me to belly dance at one of her book signing events in Los Angeles!  I couldn’t do the date, so I sent another dancer, but I did request an advanced copy   to review, thinking it would be an interesting read. Boy, was I right on the money- this book is a page-turner! I devoured it in one sitting.

 Even the information on the book’s cover is intriguing- here’s a sample:

When the Saudi royal family vacationed in Los Angeles, they hired Jayne Amelia Larson, an actress struggling to make ends meet, to be their personal chauffeur. She’d heard stories of the Saudis’ outrageously generous gratuities and figured that several weeks at their beck and call might be worth her time. But when the family arrived via their private jet with an entourage of forty and millions of dollars in cash, Jayne Amelia realized she might be getting into more than she bargained for...

Based on the author’s successful one-woman stage show, the story depicts a vivid portrait of the Saudi royals as few ever get to see them.”

 I have danced for various members of the Saudi Royal Family over the years, and I never quite got over the sheer opulence. I fondly (and greedily) remember the days back in the 1990’s when Saudi Royalty was present at shows I was doing at Arabic clubs: it became almost dangerous to perform, because there was so much crisp, fresh-from-the-bank cash on the parquet floor that dancing was literally like ice-skating on the bills! For one private party gig, I was picked up in a white stretch limo and brought to a mansion in Santa Barbara   (an hour and a half north of Los Angeles) to perform. At another gig, a Saudi  “scout” was sent out to video tape a show I was doing at an Arabic club before I was hired… and this was back when no “normal” person owned a video camera!  At that particular event, I remember   the moments before my show spent mentally totting up the amount of money that was probably spent on floral arrangements alone (not to mention the priceless antiques!) and realizing that it amounted to probably more than I made in the course of two and a half or three years. There were Arabian antiques everywhere, and the women I danced for were dripping in jewels and Dolce & Gabbana custom-made couture.

 So anyway, I figured this book would reflect some of that glamour, and it did, in spades…but it also shows a decadent, darker side that most people don’t have privy to.

  Within this realm, the Royal entourages of relatives, staff and hangers-on, all members are more than aware of their position and status- and are constantly scrambling to keep their status intact. The inter-personal relationship dynamics and the insight into human nature, both good and bad, are absolutely fascinating.

 There is a hair dresser who is a holy terror, spoiled teenage princesses who are addicted to In-And-Out-Burger and hip-hop hits, and even more spoiled adult princesses who routinely drop hundreds of thousands of dollars on designer duds in a single afternoon shopping spree on Rodeo Drive while their maids and chauffeurs patiently wait on the street, sleep deprived from being on-call for 24 hour shifts, guzzling Red Bull. There are tales of multiple  plastic surgeries, forbidden love, rebellion and resignation.

 The Royal family’s security is an operation on par with the CIA, and in the sumptuous Beverly Hills hotel where they are ensconced, an up-scale suite is consigned for use only as a tea-room, with furniture, incense, the tea sets and food imported in gigantic crates from Saudi Arabia.  Meanwhile, the North African and Philipino female maids and servants also on 24-hour call, are forced to sleep seven to a room!

 Larson had the distinction of being the only female chauffer of many drivers hired, and because of this, she formed close, intense bonds with many of the women in the entourage, from Royals and the trusted nannies they’d grown up with to the extremely young maids.  She also experienced rivalry and suspicion among the male drivers, because of her unique closeness with the Saudi women.

   Jayne Amelia Larson’s one-woman show, Driving The Saudis won Best Solo Show at the 2010 New York Fringe Festival- and this book is so well-written, with so much astute observation, that the reader will feel like they are right there among the entourage.

I highly recommend this book…and also wish it could be made into a feature film!

Purchase Driving The Saudis 

 Driving The Saudis, by Jayne Amelia Larson,

 Published by Free Press/Simon & Schuster

http://www.drivingthesaudis.com/HOME.html