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| On-duty at my regular restaurant gig |
Restaurant gigs are one of the primary jobs for many belly
dancers. They can be very lucrative, and
they’re usually lots of fun because the
dancer gets to interact with the customers
up close and personal.
However, while we sometimes
are completely in the moment and being transported by the music, there’s also a litany of “dancer problems” that go
hand-in-hand with these intimate shows,
which are often done in very small spaces, with no stage, dancing among the
tables.
I’ve been dancing at restaurants
for twenty-seven years…and that pretty
much qualifies me as having seen (and
heard) it all… or at least pretty close
to it!
While the general public is getting a beautiful floor show, the scenario in the
performer’s mind- masked by a dazzling stage smile- is often quite
different than what the audience is
experiencing.
Here are some of the thoughts running through
my head at various times during
restaurant sets.
Can you relate?
1. Please don’t even
entertain the notion of tipping me with your greasy hummus fingers!
2. Humiliating the birthday
boy or girl is not in my job description.
3. Holy crap, this song’s
almost over- how the hell did that happen?
4.Yeah, uptight-lady-hanging-on-tightly-
to-your man, it’s sad but true: the only
real reason I’m dancing here is because I want to seduce your fat, balding husband… who by the way, has
zero table manners.
5.Please God, don’t let me get my period.
6.Why does this veil feel so heavy tonight? It’s just a piece
of silk!
7. If that waiter crosses in front of me one
more time to refill water glasses, I’m gonna cut a bitch!
8. Sorry dude, but your business card doesn’t count as a
tip.
9. Surprise! I speak English- and even though
you seem to be an authority on this insane theory
you’re espousing so loudly, I didn’t get
any ribs removed to be able to dance this way.
10. Not taking my top off. It just ain’t gonna happen.
11. I saw a zero on that
bill- please let it be a fifty-oh
please, oh please, oh please.
12. I hope the audience can’t tell that my foot is bleeding like a stuck
pig from that glass I just stepped on.
13. While I appreciate your concern, would you
please quit yelling about-and pointing to-the dollar that fell on the floor?
This isn’t an isolated incident…
it’s happened….oh, a couple of times before.
14. Can you keep your toddlers under control?
15. Can you keep your pubescent son and his
testosterone-infused teenage pals under
control?
16. Can you keep your absolutely shit-faced
party guests under control?
I7. I you try to offer me a
tip that’s held in your teeth, I will pat you on the head like a dog. I
might even go “woof woof” to see if you respond in kind.
18. I got you up to dance cause it seemed like
it would be fun…for a minute or so! Do
you think you could possibly manage to sit down before my shift is over?
No? Well then how about
before I retire from my dance career?
19. Please God, don’t let me
sneeze into these nice people’s dinner.
20. You aren’t “offending" me by offering a tip. If you knew how much
this costume cost you’d probably puke up your baba ganoush right on the table!
21. Contrary to popular
belief, a one dollar bill from a party of fifteen-plus diners is not a great tip. Save it for the valet- he’ll be
only slightly less horrified than I
am.
22. Oh no… I think my right eyelash is about
to fall off!
23. Where in the actual fuck did you get the
idea that “most belly dancers are fat and have mustaches”?
24. Do. Not. Try. To. Poke. My. Belly.
Button.
25. I hope still I have
some Chardonnay left at home…
#
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