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| Khalil Gibran wasn't ever a dancer... but apparently he knew all about trolls! |
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Every
profession has its pitfalls, and the world of dance is no different. But the
arts and the entertainment industry -dance in particular-definitely has it’s
own set of rules. There have always more performers than jobs, and it’s probably
been that way since cave people built the very first prehistoric stage. Every community built around a certain profession has its stars… and it’s problems, but with dance, there
are always critics ready to pounce, or an underling whose just waiting for
their own personal All About Eve moment.
In the world of dance, perhaps more than
any other profession except maybe
acting or modeling, there will always be
someone stepping forward to judge you on everything from your technique to your
looks. There are those who’ll delight in taking you down a few
pegs…or taking your place. Unlike other artistic communities, where the naysaying and unwanted
reviews often come from an outside
source, for dancers,our worst critics
are usually our peers, colleagues, students or a disgruntled friend.
The undermining, snide comments and offhand compliments
are meant to sting, and outright hate
can take many forms: face-to-face, behind your back, and more often for the
past few years, online. Perhaps the online trolling and bullshit – yes, I said
that- is probably the worst, because even though many social media sites have
an anti-bullying policy and options for blocking “hate speech”, often it’s still pretty damn hard
to get those ugly comments taken down.
Usually, when
anyone- even a sister dancer- acts like this, it’s because they’re operating
from a base of fear. Often they have self-esteem issues and feel bad about
themselves…so they take it out on you,
hoping to ease their own pain. These hate campaigns can be outright and overt
or very subtle, but they still do the damage they’re intended to do!
And sometimes online, the people-or should I say subhumans masquerading as people- lurking
can actually be dangerous and need to be reported.
Here are examples of a few of these bullies
and their hurtful, trolling behaviors- and some tips on what to do about them
if you’re the target.
FRENEMIES
We all know
about the concept of frenemies- the dance
pals who’re all tight with you… until the green-eyed monster of jealously
strikes. They believe you’re getting the opportunities that they deserve, or you’re
more getting more attention than they are.
In reality, they could be envious of anything: an unintentional slight
you made, that expensive costume that looks great on you, or maybe you got an
audition they wanted. It could even something you have no control over
whatsoever- like the fact that your spouse or partner is supportive of your
dance career and theirs isn’t. No matter
what the reason, suddenly they turn on you.
Society has conditioned us all to be nice and not to
make waves…so frenemies try to “kill you with kindness”, meaning they’ll use an
indirect-and seemingly innocent- way of
ruining your self worth. Don’t be
fooled: this is straight up passive/aggressive behavior. If someone says something to you that seems
patronizing, makes you feel inferior about anything,
or just doesn’t sit right, you’re dealing with a frenemy. The comment could
possibly be unintentional, so let the first time slide. But if this behavior
continues, it’ll only escalate. Trust
your gut instinct: if your stomach knots up when someone says something- even
if they wonder why you’re making “a big deal about it”, you have a few choices:
Let it roll off: for
whatever reason, your very existence is alarming to your frenemy. You make her feel
small and unimportant. Look at your frenemy
with empathy and compassion, and just let the comment go. Take the high road and be the bigger person!
Detach and refuse to
engage: She’s throwin’ some shade out like a fishing line,
hoping you’ll bite- so don’t join in and try to one-up her, cause that’ll only
spread more toxic vibes. Your reputation is waaay more important than getting
back at someone, whether you're a professional performer, an instructor, or
just in the same dance class.
Try speaking with the
frenemy privately: Again, be as compassionate as possible, but
don’t be a damn doormat. Be open, honest
and don’t blame, cause that will put your frenemy on the defensive. Use “I” language, such as “I felt hurt” or “I
have been wondering why…” At best, this will open up a dialogue, and it can
also be healing. But you might have to…
Disengage: If any of the tactics above didn’t work, you
may ultimately have to cut this person out of your life, or at least be around
them as little as you possibly can. You
don’t need someone that negative around you… especially if they’re making you feel like crap about something you
love- dancing!
Say BUH-BYE!
But make
sure to say it silently, inside your own head…and don’t ever even consider diminishing
your own success- or even ceasing to lightly brag about your
accomplishments! You worked damn hard
for what you’ve got- celebrate what you’ve achieved. If your frenemy put as much
effort into her dance practice as she did with trying to make you feel
insignificant, she’d be probably celebrating, too.
PROFESSIONAL UNDERMINERS
Underminers
have many faces, and they’ll use similar tactics as frenemies, but the
difference is, often the people who are undermining you are also in a position
to help you, so you need to be very savvy
about the way you treat them!
A professional
underminer can be an instructor, a show or event producer, or even a dancer you
don’t know very well, who is a bit
“above” you career-wise. These
underminers are often well-respected dance community members, but again, for
some reason (like your frenemy peers) they feel threatened by you. The
reasons are many- and often crazy. Could
be that they’re feeling their age and are jealous of your youth -and the entire
lifetime of opportunities you have in front of you. Perhaps they’re offended by something
non-dance oriented, something that’s ridiculous and commonplace… like the blue streaks in your hair or your
tattoos. More likely, your talent,
technique and skills- intimidate them and they see you as an “upstart”. In order to put you in your place, an
underminer will make damaging remarks to you or to people your know, verbally
or in print on the internet, that could potentially tarnish your reputation- or
interfere with your entire career!
The underminer M.O is a bit different than the
tactics a frenemy uses. Sometimes they’ll
make catty comments to you, with no
constructive value whatsoever. But even worse, under the guise of “professionalism”, an underminer will be
nice- and often extremely flattering- to your face, but will gossip to others
about you behind your back OR show their
dissatisfaction by denying you opportunities.
There are two
basic ways to deal with underminers.
They’ll both involve eating a little crow, but once you know that you’re making a wise career decision, you’ll be able to swallow that crow up and
ask for seconds!
The first
tactic is to have a private conversation, exactly the same way I suggested for frenemies. Do this in person or write a heartfelt email-
or even a handwritten note- and begin that note with a few sincere sentences
bout how much you respect the underminer, and admire their accomplishments.
Only then can you bring up the fact that you’re wondering what you did to upset them.
The second
idea- and the one that’s usually way more effective-
is to seek that person out, look them straight in the eye, and ask for their advice. Even if you don’t want or need it, think up
something- anything- to ask them about. Psychologically, this immediately puts
the underminer in a position of authority, which is exactly what they need to
feel good about them, especially where you
are concerned. It also implies that you
respect them and hold their opinion in high esteem, which’ll give them oodles of
warm fuzzies towards you. Everyone wants to feel needed and admired! It’ll even make some underminers feel protective over you. At the very worst, they’ll feel all puffed
up and proud, and might back off a little. And at best, who knows? Maybe
you’ll actually become friends, or get a for-reals mentor.
RANDOM INTERNET TROLLS
These days, with social media rockin’ everyone’s
world 24/7, it’s inevitable that you’ll encounter an Internet troll… they’re
all over the place! These are the
killjoys-often total strangers- who post negative comments on Facebook or
Twitter feed, or write stupid, mean stuff
(usually misspelled!) on your
YouTube channel. If it’s only a comment
or two, just delete it… that person is probably sitting in their office cubicle
at a boring job – or in their mom’s
basement- feeling small and insignificant and gets their jollies by posting
crap about people who are actually having fun and being productive.
But if the comments continue and/or grow aggressive,
block and report that person! And do not
in any way, shape or form take to heart anything that idiot said, OK?
OVER-ZEALOUS, NEEDY FANS
These are
people that you don’t know at all, or maybe you barely know them- but they simply
adore you. In fact, they’re probably
living through you! These are true fans,
and often about as nerdy as it gets. They’ll post effusive, positive comments
on your social media sites, and if you see them in real life, they’ll often
talk your ear off, sometimes even bring you a little gift or flowers. These people are truly well-meaning- they
really are true fans- but they can also get to be a little much.
Be nice to these people if you see them - do say hi
at shows, but keep a little distance.
Chat for a moment but excuse yourself quickly- tell them you need to get
backstage and get ready, or pack up your stuff.
On the internet, you can occasionally “like” their comments or type a
brief answer back, but don’t do it too often, or they’ll barrage you with
comments non-stop.
Notice I used
the word “needy”, and not obsessive. If someone is obsessed with you, the situation
can quickly turn dangerous, which leads us to…
STALKERS
Hopefully, you’ll never have to deal with a
stalker; I speak from my own experience- stalkers can be really scary, and many of them are also potentially violent. Several dancers have had a stalker at
some point in their lives- I know one person whose had a stalker for over
twenty years. He’s really annoying but relatively harmless; however, her
situation is probably an anomaly.
Stalkers can be male or female… but if they’re crazy, and prone to
violence, the stalker’s sex doesn’t really matter that much- anyone can own a
gun!
Do not mess around with a stalker; do not engage in any way,
shape or form, even if it’s an ex of yours.
Go directly to the authorities; make a police report, and get a
restraining order. Once you have one, make copies and always keep a copy with
you. Keep a log of any incidents with the date, place and time, and also note
if there were any witnesses.
Make sure you are accompanied at all times,
change the locks on your doors if you need to and secure your house. Vary the patterns of your day-to-day routine. Change your phone number if you need to, and
use a Google Voice number or something similar on your business cards and
promotional material.
Of course, we all know it’s not smart to post
the address of your residence on the Internet or anywhere public; but we
dancers often post the addresses of our studios, or the places we perform… and that are where your stalker will be
waiting! Make sure you leave these places
with a large group always- and with a male accompanying you whenever
possible. If you sense-or know- that
someone is following you on foot or by car do not go home! If you’re driving, go directly to a police
station; if you’re walking, hotfoot it to a well lit, public place as fast as
you can, and in either situation, dial 911, or whatever the emergency code is
in your country.
I
know the past few paragraphs about stalkers are somewhat unnerving…in fact, it makes
your frenemies look like angels! But no
matter what-or who- you’re dealing with, the whole point is to keep yourself as
physically, mentally and emotionally protected as possible… so you can
concentrate on doing what you love, to the best of your ability.
#
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